25/05/2008, stage 3, chemo 3, radiation 20

This photo was taken before Danni decided to stay at the hospital full time. It wasn't as funny as it may look. Danni feared Ryan, the active little man may accidentally peel off the skin.

All channels on TV were board casting Wenchuan Earthquake Relief 24 hours a day these days. So as in 72 pages of local paper.

My eyes turn glassy on reading a story of a 3 year old lost his parents. Or a photo featuring Prime Minister Wen giving a talk to a class of reassembled student,'You lost the love ones and bear an enormous pain no one else could imagine. Everyone of us shares your pain. But our help won't replace your suffering. After this catastrophe, your little young heart will be stronger, (you will) understand the meaning of living deeper, and better equipped to facing difficulties.'

Yet everyday, I would leave home at 10 am, get on a bus and arrive at the hospital around 45 minutes later to bring Danni's soup and meal supplies. In odd days I would get up earlier to get some fresh veg from market.

I wasn't in mood of writing down anything though. I would stare blankly out to the window, many other times I would dozed away in first 5 minutes after be seated on the bus.

We talked very little these days, she wasn't in the mood. I could tell she was having very stressful time on mingling the future, about her live expectancy, about the statistics of maternity woman's lucky odds in cancer, about Ryan, about the family.

Radiation-Epithelistis charred and damaged her skin around neck. Danni worries this would mean a postpone on the radiation schedule if the situation develop. Caipin, the neighbour patient was an example. Brave as her, she sobbed one time when waiting for radiation. 'I am scared, I really am'.

I didn't say much, but caressed her back. Sophisticated as her, there weren't many words you could counsel her without a fact or an authoritative statement from her radio-oncologist.

Thanks to all friends that we met or never met in real life, postcards and greeting cards were keeping coming these days too. We sticked them to the wall. Peak District, North Wales, a pub name 'Hog's Head', Eric Morecambe Statue... they needed to be studied twice to remind us the gentle breeze, lazy sunshine, lush green rolling hills of British Summer.

The eyes rolled out from the cards and fixed on the tiled wall. Back to reality, the ward.

There are still 15 radiations to go. Including 5 reduced level and further 10 3D precise radiation.

Last week Danni has a second mask made to suit the radiation. Also we learnt (and just) that the plastic net 'mask' was really a mean to fix the patient to the theatre table. The net actually helps the surface - skin radiation. The holes could be made bigger around chest area, it won't hamper the fixing purpose and precise locating exposure target. This is aside effect that should be avoidable.

I took Danni mask from the store room discretely. I got a cutter to cut the holes bigger.

Since her skin had been burnt, Danni refused to be photographed. It was tough to face up to it. Also a state of denial. 'Would you want to remember this moment, do you want to remind me days like these?' She asked.

'No, there are highs and lows of ones' living. Without low, you won't see high. This is a low point since a long time. It will get over. We will get over it - in three weeks time. I only want to record this, (so to) remind us what you have been through.'

I will try again.